If you’ve ever heard the words “Mom, I won a goldfish!” while at a party, you know that this will end badly. If you’ve never had the experience, be warned- should your child say this, you should suddenly remember Dad’s terrible allergy to all things aquatic. I heard those words at a party this summer, and actually had the naivete to think it could be fun! Little did I know….

When we won the goldfish Goldyloks (daughter’s spelling) she was put into a sandwich bag. We had dinner guests coming that night, but when I inquired about the temporary availability of one of the many small fishbowls used as party decorations I was told “Just put it in a cereal bowl on your counter. It will be fine.”

Um, no.

I know very little about keeping fish, so I went door to door soliciting advice from neighbors. I was told that our water is fine, so we don’t have to treat it for chlorine. Great- one less thing to worry about. So off we dashed to the pet store. $20 later and we had a bowl, food, rocks, just the basics. While we were gone, a friend whose son had also won a fish called to let us know that his fish had died. The poor little guy was so grief stricken they had to have a funeral, pray over the fish and bury it- all for a fish he had for four hours. Our friend thought the fish had died from chlorine, so I was up half the night wishing I’d coughed up $4 for the darn water treatment. But our fish had a nice home and was alive and swimming the next morning.

Did you know that, because goldfish are filthy and produce more waste than other fish, a bowl- a GOLDFISH BOWL- is the worst place for them? I didn’t, but after Goldyloks started looking a little lethargic, I did some late night research and learned some things. Turns out you need a BIG FAT TANK for just a couple of fish. After doing almost hourly water changes in the bowl (not as much fun as it sounds) we decided we had to do right by Goldyloks and get her a better home. A few minutes on Craigslist and a drive across town and we had the perfect 29 gallon set up. Normally when you set up a tank you are supposed to let it run for a month before you put any fish into it, but Goldylocks wasn’t doing well so we only waited a day. Again, I was up most of the night worrying.

For a day or so, she perked right up, swam all around and seemed to love her new home. Then it started again- the sinking to the bottom, not eating, etc. So, off to the specialty fish store we went! After talking to an expert for about an hour, we left with an armload of aquarium salts, fish medicine, de-chlorinator and other first aid products. But when we got home, we thought Goldyloks was dead, just lying on the bottom of the tank on her side. I told my husband to get her out of the tank before the kids saw her (and because, by this time, I was pretty invested in this little fish!) but he couldn’t find her. Then we found her “dead” in another part of the tank. After watching for a while, we saw her swim a little bit, so we went into ER mode! Salt was mixed up and added to the tank, blue drops went in, water was changed faster than you’ve ever seen, frozen peas were fed- and it worked! She was the happiest, healthiest goldfish you ever saw!

For about 2 days. This time, when she went downhill we tried it all again but nothing worked. No amount of late night goldfish research seemed to matter. She croaked. I was a mess! After all that, she had the nerve to just die?!? I dreaded telling my daughter, but when she got up I broke the news. She teared up a bit, told me she was sad, then quickly asked “Can I get another one?”

Nope, never again sweetheart. Free fish. $100 worth of stuff. Anybody need a nice tank?